Sunday, 30 August 2009

Destined path

What I write is an imperfect,incoherent,abstract piece. Nevertheless, writing gives me the comfort of the fact that there is a certain chain of thoughts in my mind. The prime influence on me is of Bhagat Singh and of Ayn Rand, who both said, that reading a lot and writing a lot helped them clarify their thoughts. Their individual achievement of clarity in thoughts is an embodiment of their suggestion. The capacity of sticking by their thought, idea, once formed has been never better manifested for me.

Nevertheless, In my quest of achieving that stage of non-confusion, I find that I am missing some element of it. Is it hard work ? Nature of work shouldn't matter once we are inclined upon it. But, waiting upon the idea itself to dawn could be named nothing better than a lax attitude. While writing about anything we believe in , would certainly help clarify our thoughts, nevertheless, if we don't truly believe in it , we would reach nowhere. Jack Welch in his autobiography has manifestly expressed his aversion towards dabblers, ones who aren't ready to commit. And I find myself well suited in that category . A dabbler. Looking for works around me , believing in all , yet not reposing my faith in it. Deep inside, I seem to believe that being a conformist means being a fundamentalist. One which could not change his path of life once taken and by that virtue expected to fails sooner rather than later. Also, the underlying belief seems to be waiting for that perfect moment and perfect ideology, whihc hasn't arrived as of yet. All , of this to me doesn't appear to be better than a set of excuse to escape the challenges of life. Nevertheless, I continue priding myself on non-c0nformity to any belief and thus open to everything. Yet, I need to jot down and visualize my fears and apprehensions.

Primary fear that I have is not of death , but rather of facing society. Death isn't the biggest fear that most of us have, its the fear of exposing what we are to the society , to which we have had always presented a different self. Following that is the fear of failure. How can I know for sure what I want ? How can I know for sure what do I want to do? I seem to like one thing this moment and other the next moment. Out of them all, what is it that I would like to be? And again the imagination of the consequences of this failure sends a chill down my spine. Fear of a rigorous life ahead isn't absent as well. How can I know that I can work hard, when I am so lazy at this point of time in life. When I cannot hold on to an idea for long , how could I expect myself to work hard for it?

Fear of fighting for a mistaken belief, ideal too haunts me . The way my thoughts are shaped as of now, they hang in between, neither here nor there. Subjugation to a social order, guarantees the "pleasures" of life in an organized way, but its my incapacity to both wholeheartedly accept or reject it, which puts me in no man's land. Lack of vision too isn't a small problem for me.

John Rawl's in his principle of justice has aptly mentioned the use of "Original Position" to build the ideas of social contract, choosing from behind a "veil of ignorance", ignorance of personal vested interests, to which the society would conform and would thus carry out the principles of justice in a contractarian mode. Who better to do justice to do than to myself first. I should try this approach on myself and identify the principles, obstacles and capacity.

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