Monday, 20 July 2009

Unbridled Rambling

For every step forward the number of options outrun the capacity of mind . If all paths lead to Rome, why should it matter, which road I chose the next moment. I will reach over there where everybody reaches anyhow. But will the end justify the means?

If it is to only reach the end that we strive, there is no requirement of choosing. There is no rational decision to be made. Means - they are quite understated in the common state of affairs. Means I guess is as, if not more, important as End. Means , is what life is , End is a sharp line of demarcation between existence and non-existence. Success , could only be valued if its means were great. Its this requirement of means being proper which forces me to realize the importance of making decisions.

Decision making is the process by which we choose between different alternatives in front of us , based on the futuristic guesses. Here is the catch,however, we make our decisions of future , based on our understanding of the past , and thus cant expect to get better than what we were. If past is what directs our decision surely something has been missed for future. But if we do not have a baseline where do we start from , what do we look out for? Since , it is not an easy question to answer, we seek defaults, created by society, by popular wisdom,by convention and I am afraid that I too don't have the answer. However let's try nonetheless.

If I am a human being and consider my joy and sorrow bound to other human beings , then we are caught in a vicious cycle of indeterminism. Trying to fill all the void is like trying to fill in all the holes in a net with chalk while it wades in water. In a sense it points out that being human is not end of me. My interaction with the world, in form of other human, animals, non-living elements,ideas etc is directed by my sense and thus by my mind. In a way , its the mind which is guarding my path, and tries to select the best possible way next. Why does mind have to do it ? There has to be some reason for it . Mind is not an absolute , but it tries to achieve absolute results, in terms of concretes that is success, sex, pleasure, pride, , but if there is no such permanent thing or to say that such a thing is only defined by my sense of good and bad which is the result of the confluence of the teaching of the world and the mind, then why can't it be directed to the best direction.Why do I get bored if it is so "bad", boredom results from our disinterested act and that results from doing things whihc we don't believe to be liking.But how can mind decide it , It doesn't have its own capacity to think straight , then how could it provide me a straight path in ,my life, thus there will not be any straight path, there will be several paths always in the life and I have to choose the best among them . But In a way I must have been choosing it all along , and must have had been doing it right for I cant do otherwise. I may not be very successful in my interaction with other human beings, not what I am good at , I am good at being diligent , liking things that I do , and keep on doing the same things, and doing the things in a good way. In discussing ,in learning . Where do I get such a path for my life. In education system may be , but am I ready to pay the price really ? I have doubts in my mind. I feel that the real source of frustration and doubt has been my own self doubt in the capacity to lead a life alone and then again a capacity to lead a life with rules and regulations set by others. If I cant live like the way others tell me, I cant expect them to be doing so for me as well , then whey do I seek it . Life doesn't want and doesn't need other things, there is no you and others., all are one , in this oneness lies something which you have to discover abut in what way do you think you are not discovering it as of now. There must be certain reasons for it . I don't understand the truth but it certainly in a way directs me to the point that , I carry this pretention in order to get selected at IIM so that some of my eccentricities lead me to that place and then again I shall be the same person , uninterested in the things around me.

If then there is no interest what is the point in going ahead, Why shouldn't I lies down and wait for fucking my wife , possibly , if that be my wait , I need not wait . I can fuck other women if I would like to , they are available in plenty around me, money would do the trick, but do I really want that .. I need food , nice drinks and nice life, so I need nice sex nice refuge for my frustration for my life .. but there is the root cause, my frustration for life, it lies not in the cunt of these bitches , or say gentle ladies, but in my own sense of life and its meaning lies wholly within me and in my senses, What is that which is not understood by me now seeks an understanding that is not possible to obtain , I do want to fuck women and lot of them but I don't want to do it really . I want to learn about things about the life , its principles and then move on and on and on and on ...

Why some day if there is a superpower , asks me what is it that you want .. I wouldn't be able to tell him , for I don't know, I want a lot and then at the same time I want nothing , How paradoxical of me to think in that way . Its really difficult for me to realize that I was being very bad and sad always and frustrated in life. I am frustrated about this world about its people, about pooja , about her nature about everyone's nature and thus my own nature as well . If in order to be successful you have to learn about others that is it , what you have found is nothing , but in this process you learn what others like you have had questioned and found their answers to it .. there is no doubt that these men of worth have had questioned every bit of their lives ,, but I again ask what is it worth, when you still die.. That is a non question .. There is no difference in the end , butthe means you used to achieve that in your life reflected the truth that you have held up in your brain. Sometimes I fear I will be left all alone in my life , left to fend for myself on my own , but I will not be cared by anyone or loved by anyone , and that is reason I don't look for anyone and the one's that I look for I want to keep them at a safe distance so that they don't dictate terms in my life. At certain point in my life I gathered this notion of life and it keeps playing in back of my mind.

How do you fight this instinct ? It wants pleasure but doesn't seek it , It wants to be knowledgable be but doesn't seek it truly. Am I , being too hasty in trying things find myself entagled in a mesh. I have to just keep walking and working ,path is already laid ahead of me and all I have to do is to keep walking , but I fear this loneliness. That is wrong ; there is n0 loneliness , and if there be one I wont be the last person for it .. I will always have people around me and them to discuss things with me . I need breath for my life, I want activity but I don't want to get lost in the myriad of mindless chase of vagina ,of its slimy liquid , what I want, I don't know. To just walk , to realize that somethings are done only when its time arrives. I will fight it , I will always fight it . I have been a fighter , to please myself. I would life to fuck but in case I don't get I can use my hands, I am certainty very much frustrated of my state of affairs, Why should I try to think of learning and learning till infinity. No people matter to me , all are fickle and so am I , I have to just shine in my life , go through these means to achieve a great end , be a winner in my own terms , and not in any one Else's, To live this life , to win this battle and be a final winner . To realize the truth and at some point or the other and gain traction int0 duties of reality , I seek philosophy to understand things that I don't , But I am just using it as a scapegoat for my own doubts , while If I seek it with earnest attempt I will find it revealing itself to me.

Unbridled rambling of mind.

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