Friday, 8 May 2009

A diary entry

Its been while since I last brushed my strokes. On a dark night last week, I set off my home, with blood gushing into my head and my left testicles wriggling with pain. It was anger , and it moved me, it took me to distances far and wide. Tear would well up intermittently , but would be held back by the anger seething within my heart. I kept walking , until I could find a place to be at one with my own self.
A gathering of trees invited me to its bosom, to muse over the matter . My sense of anger rebelled against any reconciliation. This moment enveloped all the gloom and despair and sprawled it over my existence. Questions were springing up in quick successions, but the answers never appeared in near distance. Tired , I foundered the boat of questions into the ocean of my eyes. It brimmed with tears and ran through my face in serpentine paths,stuck to the chin , until it finally dropped off it , only to be lost in the ground beneath.
And when , I was defeated with myself, I felt a strong urge to land it all into the name of "GOD". Hand it all to HIM and drop he burden off my shoulder. The lure was strong enough to land into that well of falsehood. That pool of unknown and undefined invited me to surrender myself into it. I felt a vacuum of ideas, faith and a fear of unknown crept over me. I rummaged through the words known to me from the greats of the world, they inspired me , but none could lift me up. This moment made all of that meaningless. What was my faith then? Was I to look within me ? That was too cliche`d a term . Snubbing them all I rose and left behind all that I was carrying. It was so very simple and direct.

Days after when I remember that night , I wonder what was different that night. What was becoming of me. I feel sometimes an eerie sense of joy , a sense of unleashed spirit, a sense of unknown freedom. And then its so subtle that the moment I try to capture it vanishes. Its mystic and yet I cant use that phrase to define it.

Post-Modernism is the idea, where people don't dole out statutes for way a human being is to be , based on the conceived truths, but rather, focuses on why a human being acts in a certain way and suggests a way to improve upon that , based on the individual's milieu. It very certainly abjures absolute truths and seeks to identify individual truths. Bot of those could be quite different and at times poles apart. Knowing things from the prospective of why they are so in the first place paves way for a sustainable and amicable change.

The concept seems to be novel and very different, but again as an individual it still leaves the choice open , whether I wish to pursue it.

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